Hello I feel so stupid....

I once had 3 children under 5 and it is very hard, tiring work.

The fact that your wife is thinking about going back to work shows that she needs time away from the children.

I took an OU degree when mine were small which gave me something to focus on and people to talk to during the day/evenings and meet up with once a month to study with.

As regards your faith. I too am a catholic. I believe marriage is for ever. I stayed in a very unpleasant marriage for a long long time. I even went to see the Priest.

However, when my y0ungest daughter started high school I knew I had to leave. It was now or never.

I believe when a father leaves the marital homes thinks that he is divorcing the wife and not the children, that is not completely true. Children need two parents to bring them up. Two parents who see them every day and make them feel secure.

Now, of course, in reality that is not always the best thing to do for the children. But to leave because one is simply not happy with their partner, or because they have met someone else is, in my view, totally selfish.

You seem a smashing bloke. Really trying to make your wife happy. I wish you the best of luck.

Jo

pleomax wrote:

I am not very easy to get on with and i am very black and white, most of the time.

I do tend to take the moral high ground and judge people more than listen to them and be a friendly ear.

I have a lot of issue which need sorting, professionla help is needed, but who? Marriage councillor or shrink?

Neither. I would try some self help books. But I had some general counseling last year to sort some issues I had with my past and it helped.

Listening is a skill. Its what counselers are trained to do but some people are natural listeners. Its worth aquiring this skill. As its needed in life anyway. Try not to judge others. I know we all do to some extent but its not a good thing todo. The only person you should be judging is yrself and you seem to have identified some issues you have with yrself and thats good. Thats half the battle. C.

Well put Marshy. I think he has identified what things are wrong. Some people just dont see until it's too late.
I used Relate for my roblems. I went alone. I talked and talked and eventually have come out the other side (well almost, I can see light). I feel tons better for going.
I would suggest some self help books as well.
As a matte rof interest how did your weekend go Pleomax?

How did things go the weekend?

planecrazy wrote:

Well put Marshy. I think he has identified what things are wrong. Some people just dont see until it's too late.

Like me. I should never have married her. If I was with her now and I saw what I saw then, now I would pass her by. What she did to her 1st husband was nothing short of criminal. And of course I got the same treatment when it was my turn. But lessons learned as they say.

[/quote]
I used Relate for my roblems. I went alone. I talked and talked and eventually have come out the other side (well almost, I can see light). I feel tons better for going.
I would suggest some self help books as well.
As a matte rof interest how did your weekend go Pleomax?[/quote]

I went to relate during 2006. I was sent initialy becuase I was supposed to be controling as I didnt want her going out until all hours and her flirting on the internet with her BF. It was wrong to object to this aparently. So I had about 10 sessions with relate and they basicly told me that it was me that was being controled. My sister paid for about 9 of the sessions as I was told by my ex that I needed written permsision to discuss her lol. So I had to pretend I wasnt going lunch times. And I was supposed to be the controling one lol.

I had months and months of counseling with a general counseler during 2008. That was to undo all the crap that was left in my head from 12 years of abuse. That of course helped me a lot. And I read a lot. Its all good. C.

Saturday was ok, not perfect but ok. The girls had a good time and enjoyed seeing their grandparents. Grandparents cooked us breakfast when we arrived at the campsite they were staying at. We went to the beach and do what you do when families go to the beach.

The journey home the wife and I talked small talk and we had quite a giggle talking about other road users and the scenery we were passing. The wife had also said she was defiantly going out on Sunday for some here time.

As soon as we got home I put the tired and asleep little girls to bed, I then went and emptied the car from the rubbish that had been left as there is during a family day out.

When I had finished the wife was upstairs already sitting in bed with the laptop on. I picked up the washing which had been left at the top of the stairs, her jeans and smalls. I took them down stairs to put in the wash basket, I accidently dropped her jeans and thought they sounded as though there were things in the pockets.

Now I am not proud of what happened next, I empted her pockets and her mobile was in there, stupidly I looked at her messages and there was quite a history of messages from someone paying her complements and saying how they were looking forward to seeing here and quite sexually explicit messages on what they wanted to do to here. The icing on the cake was one which said stop smiling or Pleomax will think something is up and the last one which was recived at 19:26 that very eveing saying yes they were still up for Sunday.

At this I put it back and went up stairs and said to the wife are you seeing someone tomorrow, (I had always said that I would forgive her if she did have an affair). She laughed and said now she was going out on here own, I said be careful and look after your self. She laughed and said there isn’t anyone else. Asked if she would close the laptop down and come down stairs to talk, no she said she was tired and had had long day!?!?!

I am even less proud now she has always told me she hates liars and I went down stairs and drank a bottle of whisky, self harmed. The rest is a blur, but apparently she has told me I went back up stairs and threatened to take the children away, I was apparently saying that I was going to take them to see our friends in the village (My eldest goes to school with their eldest and are very good friends), and then take the girls up to the woods.

I don’t remember any of this, she told me she called my parents because she was scared of me.

I do remember my parents coming to collect me, they took me back to theirs.

Sunday morning I went to mass, I am not proud of what I apparently did I am a god fearing man and would never harm my children or my wife. I would give my heart if she needed a transplant, as god is my witness.

I got my parents to take me back home on Sunday to try to talk to wife, part of me was nervous that I would find someone else there. I got my parents to do a drive by the end of the road, no other vehicles there except the wife’s. I called her to ask if it was ok to come round to talk. No answer, 15 mins later I walked up to the door and knocked, she came out of the garden and said you had better come in. We talked and she said she did not trust me with the children which hurt like hell, we have been through so much with them and the miscarriage as well and I can not believe she thinks I don’t love them.

I had a cup of tea and said hello to the children, who were pleased to see me, the two eldest told me they love me and the eldest said was I coming home, I said I was staying with nanny and granddad for a while and loved them to and would see them soon.

I left then and went back to my parents.

I went back to the village on Monday to pick up my car which was in the local garage and go to the doctors, I told the doctor everything and she said I should speak to a councillor and keep the communication channels open. She seemed more concerned that I had a drink problem then anything else.

I called the wife and asked if it would be convient to come round to say hi, she said not a problem.

I went round and chatted I needed to pick up my security pass so I could go back to the clients site and also my suit as I need to find another job as my contract finishes 22nd May, and I will have no income, I am MD of a one person consultancy.

She also dropped the bombshell that I may be gay because I never seem interested in her , and we last had intercourse in February!!!! I said it was only a couple of weeks ago we had a fantastic evening down stairs in the lounge, but she denied this and said she had been logging it!!!

She started talking about divorce and she would be willing to give up her faith as divorce is not recognised in our religion. She said if I was to admit I was gay then we could get a catholic marriage annulment and the marriage would never have happened, and we could both still receive communion.

So it is so long and sorry if I have given too much info, my head is a mess and I needed to off load, I have sat her typing this for the last half hour, I am sure there is more that I need to say. For now I need a walk round my client site to get some fresh air.

Pleomax

Yesterday she said I should have the children this weekend, I was over the moon. That ugly thought came into my head that she would be seeing someone else, if that is what she wants to do I am ok with it, it is the lieing i cant stand. If she needs me to be truthful with her and oipen then it needs to be recipicated does it not?

God bless you all for reading this rubbish and thank you

Pleomax