Hello I feel so stupid....

A very interesting post. There is no reason why you cannot move back into the house, providing you can remain calm and stay off the alcohol because she could if she thought it was necessary be able get a non molestation order so be careful!

I also come from a catholic family background, although I am not a practising one but I would think to lie to the church about being gay to get out of your marriage would be a terrible sin and i`m suprised that your wife even thought of that.

Take care and I will be following this post.

Saffy x

As Saffy says she can't refuse you entry to your house.

However my opinion would be that you shouldn't go there on Saturday. She has asked you not to, and going there when she has asked you not is in my view paying little attention to her wishes, at the moment you are going to have to play things softly softly if you want to fix the marriage.

Instead I would suggest you ask her if you can sit down somewhere neutral and talk. If you do this agree a length of time you will talk for (I would suggest no more than an hour) and set some ground rules (i.e. no interrupting). If need be ask someone to act as referee, but make sure they are neutral. Prepare a list of what you want to talk about, and suggest she does the same, don't preach, and let her have her say (and make sure she lets you have yours)

Good luck

S

Itgetsbetter, I think you have misunderstood me. We arranged for me to have the children at the weekend, I would go over about ½ hour before my eldest’s swimming lesson, take her to her lesson then pick the other two up. How ever she has now said she would like me over there earlier, and feels that I should not hang around the house as it may cause me pain!?!?!?

One of the things that I have got in my head is I am being taken as a fool I could be looking after the children for the weekend away from the house, and I am not saying someone would be called to the house but it allows her to go gallivanting off if that is what she is doing!

I spent a long time talking to the parish preist last night over the telephone he gave me good council and has said they he is always there for both of us. He gave me the number for marriage care which is a council service recommened by the catholic church. I will call them today.

Another thought I have is if I say I can not have the children at the weekend I am going to miss out and so are the children, also she may just put them with someone else and still have time to do as she wants.

I am not being controlling however now is not the time to be running off to spend time with someone else who you do not know. If they desire her that much and she desires them that much then they should respect my wifes need to talk to me her husband and try to sort things out. Like has been suggested given times scales and targets and reviews on how things are going.

It is almost like my wife has been replaced with a different person at the moment, I have never seen her so cold and heartless towards me.

I have a way forward it that I am going to ask her parents to join me at the house, confront her with the text messages and express my feelings from the heart and say that so we can talk and for the girls sake before any lasting decisions have been made I will be moving back in.

The worst that can happen is her dad threaten or hit me (Me and her dad have not always seen eye to eye. When she was pregnant with our second child he called her over the telephone and was very derogatory towards her saying she was being nasty to one of his other daughter in laws. I told him he was out of order and she was pregnant and why did his daughter in law have to go running to him and not speak to my wife directly and resolve issues, hormones were probley all over the place for my wife. We did not speak until earlier this year when they turned up on the door step one Sunday afternoon and we welcomed them back into our house with open and forgiving arms. They had missed out on two years of the middle girls life and almost a year of our youngests life).

Would he be able to legally throw me out of our own house? My wife has told me she has talked to her parents and told them everything, but it may be like it has been said in posts above her side of fiction. They may not know about the text messages and have this view that I am just an unloving and uncaring SOB.

Yes I do not feel strong today, I haven’t eaten probley for days I now it is stress but it needs to be said.

I will just add I am not finding my answers in drink, I am very focused on that one, I will admit it was on my mind last night. I did something else to take my mind off it, read a paper and flicked through magazines. I hope I can be strong.

Is it stress? Or my deep love and feelings for my wife and girls? I miss them and it is not just a feeling of needing her for the chores and housework she does, it is companionship, the feeling of her close to me in a tight embrace, the smell of her hair. How she makes the children laugh and giggle with delight, how she makes me smile and think the day to day crap of driving for three hours a day makes it all worth it for the good times when we can do things as a family!!!

I have just got this email from the wife.

Can I just say that considering you took the split hard, you have not once asked me how the girls are even on monday. Do they mean nothing to you? I seriously hope I am not making the wrong decision letting you have them this weekend! You still haven't told me when you are likely to be over, if you have looked at the divorce stuff, if you have any interviews lined up, if the job you are doing is going to be extended and if you have started looking into dividing bills etc. Has it not sunk in? I feel like you are happy just to plod along in your parents house indefinitely, not find another job for as soon as you finish this one and not pay me a penny! I want to know how much money is in the business account that can be used for the bills please!
I feel like yes I may have done slightly wrong by flirting and joking online but you have never fully appreciated my needs and are now punishing me by leaving me in the lurch with no money to take care of our children! It's not me this is for, it's for them and it's your reponsibilty to do your part!
We need to go through stuff and not once have you agreed to do that.

I have not left her in the lurch without money, we have as joint account, she has a bank card, the major bills have already been paid this month. There is over £600 in there in "free" money.

I dont want to get into a email war, I want to go back home, have her open the door grab her in my arms and hug her and kiss her.

I want to tell her that we have issues but nothing that can not be work at or repaired. We may have changed and driffted apart but if we changed then we could and can change again!

I want to say to her that i have come home to be with her and care for her and the children, I want to work at this and if it takes until the day i die I will continue to work at it. We stood there in front of god and said till death us do part in sickness and health and for richer or poorer.

Yes she has done some thing in the past that have made me very stressed, like when i was made redundant last year she emailled all the employers major customers and told them the company was falling apart and that the most qualified purchaser was being made redundant and amatuers would be doing their purchaseing. The employer hit me with Gross Misconduct, it could have gone very nasty their and they could have potentially sued us and we could have lost everything. I resigned before they could do procedings, I didnt judge her, just said it was a bit silly and could have grave consiquensis. But I walked out of there on the tuesday and walked into a contract role where i was going to earn 1/2 my previous years salary in less then 6 months. I didnt shout I didnt scream just said it was a bit silly and could see that she was backing me up and wanting to do her bit to help. I said lets move on to bigger and better things.

I never drag these things back up, i just accept her for who she is.

Damn it in light of the email above should i just drive there tonight and say I have come her to work through these issues with you?

In my opinion you and your wife are talking at cross purposes and the lack of communication is causing mistrust and needless worry.

I think the two of you need to meet (with an neutral third party-not his or your parents!) in a neutral place (not the pub!)and put all your cards on the table.

You need to listen to her about what she wants/needs and if she wants to continue with your relationship and she needs to do the same for you. You then have to accept what she says and move forward. It is easier to deal with reality than to be trying to work out what she is thinking and doing. Whether or not she is seeing someone else is hurtful but that is something that with our help and your church you will deal with.

Involving her parents and confronting her about an affair is a recipe for disaster, her parents will always defend her, as yours would do for you and you will do for your children.

Easy to say but hard to do but trying to stop trying to second guess her and tie yourself in knots.

If a split is inevitable you can then put the wheels in motion to sort out the finances and agree your time with your children.

Being in limbo is the worst feeling, I hope you and your wife resolve your differences either on your own or with outside help.

Take care
xx

Pleo,

Go home tonight, tell her everything that you have been telling us.

Be honest with her, speak from the heart. Your heart, what you genuinely feel, pour it out, tell her how much you love her and how much you want to be with her and the girls.

Tell her you are still there for her and your daughters, you always have been you always will be.

Because unless you can tell her exactly how you feel, she will never know. And unless you do, she will never have the opportunity to tell you how she feels.

I know you are scared that if you do, she will still turn round and tell you that she still wants a divorce... that is the risk you have to take. And at least finally knowing the truth about what is happening in your life will be less painful than living in limbo.

If you can be honest, open and truthful with us, lay your heart out for all to see, why can't you do this with your wife??

Not wishing to be harsh, but what have you got to lose now??

If you don't tell her, she will never know.

Best of luck Pleo.

Kimmi
xx

I agree with the others, go home tonight and speak to her.
I think I would want to know what this thing is that might cause you pain. I would be sat a distance away in my car (or get someone else to do it) and watch, or 'forget' something and have to go back home for it. You need to straighten things out with her to know where you stand. I would move back in until things are sorted out. Good luck.